Archive for April, 2007

waiting … & triggers

Sunday, April 29th, 2007

My creativity is being such a diva!

I am waiting for her — but
she needs river visits, words to eat, old TV shows to download, lots of
water, apple cider, mango sorbet & other iced things, sleep,
showers, novels, frustration, patience, light, darkness, dreams, juice,
e-mails, questionnaires, googling, desire, coffee, tea kettles, laptop
scans, hairbrushes.

These are slowgoing days and I am trying to be patient and compassionate.

4.25.04:
Sluggish
and thick, the air is full of memory.  I realized I am a survivor of
sexual assault after nine years of first pushing and beating him off
me, multiple nights of saying NO, one jump out of a moving vehicle,
countless nights staring at the steering wheel paralyzed and unable to
get out, one mugging, two Poets Against Rape, one white aggressive man,
one emotionally abusive partner.  It touched deep inside to the part of
me that feels numb, almost anesthetized from daily battles with the
world.  I feel all mixed up inside — like tumbling and tossing through
an uncomfortable hazy situation.

this week’s poetic blog

Friday, April 27th, 2007

OK, I don’t feel like blogging.  Maybe it’s the
rain & chill.  Or maybe it’s my DMC (see below if you wanna know
what I’m talkin about so I don’t have to get too graphic).  So here’s
some haiku, senryu & tanka written this week here.

Haiku:

foam drifts on river,
slow ripple and rocky bank
soak in the sunlight

rusty pipe jutting
into dry and empty air
below, water roars

the colorless sky
belongs to the wind today,
or the stagnant pond

Senryu:

lost pen in river,
I almost jump in after,
only my wet bag

I blame everything
on my damn menstrual cycle,
and maybe you too.

In deer tick country,
we think we are invaders
until our friends bite.

Tanka:

Late afternoon sun
hangs low across the dull sky.
I sit with crossed legs
on the gray granite alone,
no room for anyone else.

two men, low voices,
kneedeep under boiling sun,
early in season,
fishing for government trout,
as per the regulation

Lone red paddleboat
rests on the encircling bank.
The pond whispers by,
to the wings of the mallard,
to the shadows of the trees.

being unproductive

Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

Gah!  I’m having the most un-productive day & I’m blaming it on:

1. the beginning of my menstrual cycle
2. the clouds, impending doom, rain
3. the invention of gmail chat
4. the crazy 50-60 line poem in 1 sentence effort of last night
5. over-ingestion of the cookies laid out for the roaming undergrads here to write poetry.

In
trying to figure out my cross-country road trip traversing from coast
to coast, we have confirmed that I am a girl who prioritizes adventure
over comfort and the friend I am negotiating with is someone who
prioritizes comfort over adventure.  Hmmmm.

I am also perhaps someone who likes to be distracted.  & maybe I distract myself from myself, if that makes any sense.
Hmmmm.

I
am brewing another pot of coffee and I am going to give up on writing a
brilliant poem in the next 15 minutes before I have to help make
dinner.  Strange that my real life mirrors my journal life that I’m
reading.

From the past:

I have come across an intense journal entry that I don’t think I’m ready to publicly share, but this is what follows:

4.26.04:
Intention - ritual

To have a smooth transition to a new beginning.  To approach all around me with love, respect and consideration.

4.28.04:
Intention - to discard as much unneeded junk as possible.  Everybody’s looking for connection, intimacy, warmth

words are gifts

Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

from a dear friend, Leah: ching-in, never feel guilty about not being a machine.

my new favorite stanza from the title poem in Mark Turcotte’s Exploding Chippewas:

"I do not speak
but I know my voice.
It is the sound of moonlight
unraveling, water
lapping over and over again."

& from myself years ago:

4.22.04:
Nobody gave her to us.  We dug our hands deep and worked the flesh, crooned to her and built her on left-over scraps hidden… Stories and memories we weren’t able to find and share, that we recreated from half-glances, childhood dreams, etchings, murmurs from our heart, fantasy, and what we imagined had passed in the space from then until now.

swollen rivers & sticky butterflies:-)

Monday, April 23rd, 2007

All of sudden, it’s hot weather here — the
river is crashing through the forest & the fishermen are out
kneedeep in the water & the sticky butterflies (& one crazy
yellow teakettle!) are going up on the windowpanes to herald spring’s
arrival!  There are also Marilyn’s students traipsing around the house
today which means all the doors and entrances are open to the world.
All my responses are magnified here.  When I say a book is changing my
life here, I am feeling the air around my body hum as my molecules
shift to the words.  Though I have loved all the books I’ve read here
(one book a day, baby!), there are three that I’ve felt this lightning
rod thrumming with here — Cornelius Eady’s You Don’t Miss Your Water, Octavia Butler’s Kindred & Li-Young Lee’s A Winged Seed.
Notice a theme?  It’s all about the father.  I’ve always written about
the mother obsessively and the father is demanding his due now.

4.21.04:
Gritty
words ascend from the ground flowing through us water and beauty rain
June rainbow.  Earth, when do we come back?  We have been gone for so
long.  Across oceans, separated and split, we are writing our dreams to
people we never knew and may never see.  Villages we claim which may or
may not be ours but were never yours though you seem to think they
belong to you.  Property.  What never was what remained unloved.  At
night, do you love?  Or in your dreams, do you live truly?  Freely?
How do we tend to the deep ache in our heart so it is really a
reflection of our true spirit & not some bullshit taught us by the
unreal media around us?  How do our hearts still function at all –
climbing onto the ledge, daring to care about humans in an unhuman
world?  Miracles.  Life.

xiaomei makes 40!

Sunday, April 22nd, 2007

I now have 40 pages of xiaomei’s story.  She’s growing, breathing into
a real mischievious entity, sometimes surprising me.  Had a field trip
with Tonya yesterday, who manages the retreat. She’s also working on a
project that sounded like it had a lot of similarities to xiaomei.  I
like meeting & hearing about xiaomei’s sisters, all the
breakthrough stories making their way on into the world.

Life is buzzing here after the storm.  Spider in the mailbox, birds in the garage, deer in the grass.

2.10.04:
Explosions
& exposure.  Emergence of history…. A sense of value and knowing
who you are regardless of what goes down around you.

4.19.04:
Simplifyin’.  Making space in my life.  Sustainability.  Happiness or contentment.

surfeit?

Saturday, April 21st, 2007

Had a moment of panic today when I didn’t feel like doing anything
remotely related to writing or reading for an extended period of time.
I felt like this the last week of my month in Vermont after 3 intense
weeks of writing and I just hung out for a week and waited to go home
and tried not to let my workaholic, overachieving critic take over.  I
wondered if I had reached my limit so early in the game and was out of
juice.  But after a quick nap in the big delicious marshmallow bed I
moved into & a walk outside right before the sun set, I started
getting into the books again.

It’s so unpredictable.  What I
learned in Vermont (but continually forget when I’m in the moment) is
that I can’t just sit here for 8 hours & churn stuff out like a
robot.  It often feels like a whole lot of nothing for 5 hours until
something pops out, usually when I’m beginning to panic about not
writing.  Or I’ll be thinking about a poem, but can’t write it, and it
comes to me on the elliptical the next morning.  My creativity is a
diva, what can I say:-)

1.31.04:
"Wherever you are is the entry point." - Kabir

I
am a great BIG FAT censor!  If my life is a reflection of my brain, I
am driven & held back by great fear — of failure, inadequacy.  My
gatekeeper voice holds back deluges of words because once on paper,
there lies the evidence.  The secret will be leaked out!  {I am not a
writer — I am not passionate about it.  I don’t write everyday & I
don’t write as if my life depended on it.  I spend my life rushing from
this thing to that thing & don’t value it.  Emotionally, I feel
flat, deflated, almost as if all is colorless.}

The activity of holding the ambivalence of an action.  Simultaneous opposition, waffling, ambiguity. 

Does
lack of sleep directly correlate with my bad feelings about myself?
Would I be much more cheery if I got enough sleep, ate more veggies
& fruit instead of grease & meat, stayed in more, paid my bills
on time & cleaned my room more often?

guilt//all our ancestors live inside us

Friday, April 20th, 2007

I have something to confess.  I feel
inexplicably guilty.  Every time I talk to a beloved person & they
say, you sound great!  rested!  relaxed! producing beautiful words!
following your path!  wonderful!  I think, why me?  I know, I know,
that I have worked hard for this, that it hasn’t always been like this,
that too often, I’ve let my fear, guilt, obligation, other people’s
expectations dictate my life.   But it’s so easy for me to want to push
aside that work and to go back to that other place.

The Guilt
Complex is something I’m trying to be mindful of — working on letting
go of, chipping away, but it lurks where least expected and who knows
how deep its roots go.? It’s a constant stream living below the surface
I’m only conscious of  sometimes.

I
know that it’s a legacy of immigrant children, Asian America, our
communities.  I know intellectually why it’s there & why I
shouldn’t feel guilty, that it doesn’t make sense (or it makes all too
much sense why given the world we’ve been brought up in).  But that
doesn’t mean that it excises itself or ceases to be.

Words from the past:

All our ancestors live inside us.

1.21.04:
FEAR!
What keeps us from exposure.  Unearthing & tentative.  How stories
slide under tongues, within other languages.  Searching for soft
places, moments of fullness, kindness among human beings.  The places
where each of us is human, soft and tender are the places I want to
investigate although I spent a lot of time thinking about the dark
places inside us.  Can we live within our silences without being afraid
to feel them?

1.25.04:
What makes you holy.

Kazim Ali: Poetry Is Dangerous

Friday, April 20th, 2007
Hi all,

Please read the below and forward widely to whomever
you think should read:

Poetry is Dangerous
by Kazim Ali

On April 19, after a day of teaching classes at
Shippensburg University, I went out to my car and
grabbed a box of old poetry manuscripts from the front
seat of my little white beetle and carried it across
the street and put it next to the trashcan outside
Wright Hall. The poems were from poetry contests I had
been judging and the box was heavy. I had previously
left my recycling boxes there and they were always
picked up and taken away by the trash department.

A young man from ROTC was watching me as I got into my
car and drove away. I thought he was looking at my car
which has black flower decals and sometimes inspires
strange looks. I later discovered that I, in my dark
skin, am sometimes not even a person to the people who
look at me. Instead, in spite of my peacefulness, my
committed opposition to all aggression and war, I am a
threat by my very existence, a threat just living in
the world as a Muslim body.

Upon my departure, he called the local police
department and told them a man of Middle Eastern
descent driving a heavily decaled white beetle with
out of state plates and no campus parking sticker had
just placed a box next to the trash can.  My car has
NY plates, but he got the rest of it wrong. I have two
stickers on my car. One is my highly visible faculty
parking sticker and the other, which I just don’t have
the heart to take off these days, says “Kerry/Edwards:
For a Stronger America.”

Because of my recycling the bomb squad came, the state
police came. Because of my recycling buildings were
evacuated, classes were canceled, campus was closed.
No. Not because of my recycling. Because of my dark
body. No. Not because of my dark body. Because of his
fear. Because of the way he saw me. Because of the
culture of fear, mistrust, hatred, and suspicion that
is carefully cultivated in the media, by the
government, by people who claim to want to keep us
‘safe.’

These are the days of orange alert, school lock-downs,
and endless war. We are preparing for it, training for
it, looking for it, and so of course, in the most
innocuous of places—a professor wanting to hurry home,
hefting his box of discarded poetry—we find it.

That man in the parking lot didn’t even see me. He saw
my darkness. He saw my Middle Eastern descent. Ironic
because though my grandfathers came from Egypt, I am
Indian, a South Asian, and could never be mistaken for
a Middle Eastern man by anyone who’d ever met one.

One of my colleagues was in the gathering crowd,
trying to figure out what had happened. She heard my
description—a Middle Eastern man driving a white
beetle with out of state plates—and knew immediately
they were talking about me and realized that the box
must have been manuscripts I was discarding. She
approached them and told them I was a professor on the
faculty there. Immediately the campus police officer
said, “What country is he from?”

“What country is he from?!” she yelled, indignant.

“Ma’am, you are associated with the suspect. You need
to step away and lower your voice,” he told her.

At some length several of my faculty colleagues were
able to get through to the police and get me on a cell
phone where I explained to the university president
and then to the state police that the box contained
old poetry manuscripts that needed to be recycled. The
police officer told me that in the current climate I
needed to be more careful about how I behaved. “When I
recycle?” I asked.

The university president appreciated my distress about
the situation but denied that the call had anything to
do with my race or ethnic background. The spokesperson
of the university called it an “honest mistake,” not
referring to the young man from ROTC giving in to his
worst instincts and calling the police but referring
to me who made the mistake of being dark-skinned and
putting my recycling next to the trashcan.

The university’s bizarrely minimal statement lets
everyone know that the “suspicious package” beside the
trashcan ended up being, indeed, trash. It goes on to
say, “We appreciate your cooperation during the
incident and remind everyone that safety is a joint
effort by all members of the campus community.”

What does that community mean to me, a person who has
to walk by the ROTC offices every day on my way to my
own office just down the hall—who was watched, noted,
and reported, all in a day’s work? Today we gave in
willingly and whole-heartedly to a culture of fear and
blaming and profiling. It is deemed perfectly
appropriate behavior to spy on one another and police
one another and report on one another. Such behaviors
exist most strongly in closed and undemocratic and
fascist societies.

The university report does not mention the root cause
of the alarm. That package became “suspicious” because
of who was holding it, who put it down, who drove
away. Me.

It was poetry, I kept insisting to the state policeman
who was questioning me on the phone. It was poetry I
was putting out to be recycled.

My body exists politically in a way I can not prevent.
For a moment today, without even knowing it, driving
away from campus in my little beetle, exhausted after
a day of teaching, listening to Justin Timberlake on
the radio, I ceased to be a person when a man I had
never met looked straight through me and saw the
violence in his own heart.

====

JAI Turiya Sangeetananda Alice Coltrane– Hari OM Tat Sat

====

www.kazimali.com
www.alicejamesbooks.org/far_mosque.html


today’s haiku & more unearthing

Thursday, April 19th, 2007

This past summer, I made a habit of writing practice through haiku.
Thanks to Bryan Thao Worra, I am re-visiting my haiku writing practice.
  & the sun peeked out for the whole afternoon today!

Soul Mountain Horizon

silver melted down
sky’s answer -
the breath of a pond

Invoking the past –
12.03.03: What
is the story I want 7th generation descendants to tell about me?  I
want my story to be filled with love, warmth, storytelling &
healing.  Art & life.  Resistant acts of living beyond around &
despite our capitalist war-profiteering dominating hating lifestyle.  I
added to the beauty of my peoples.  Lived with open heart, as little
regret as possible.  Depth.  Ideas.  Poetry.  Community.  Freedom
fighting.  Fierce love for the people.  Space shaper.